October 23, 2009

It began with careless words tossed from my daughter's mouth. She had no idea the effect they would have on me. I need to believe that.

"I want Auntie Crys to be my mommy. I don't want you to be my mommy. I want you to sell me to another family."

She bounces on the knees of my younger sister. Giggling in the uncomfortable silence. I think she sees I'm hurt, but she's five. The rest of the evening passes in a blur of sadness.

The attachment monster rears it's ugly head. It isn't a stranger in our home. We brought it home with us each time we adopted.

I wonder if I will ever be secure in our relationship. When hurting words are exchanged will I forever wonder if it is because I'm not the mother I should be to my injured daughter. With motherhood comes insecurity.

Remorse.

Guilt.

That night I lost sight of the lovely moments. I lost sight of the times she runs to me for comfort. Cuddling on her bed reading. Hugs in the morning. Sitting by her hospital bed, aching with love for my new daughter.

Her words open the door to the enemy. He creeps in and brings heartache. Instead of looking to my Father, who ordained each soul into our family, I dwell on the grief and pain that has been in our little girl's life. I dwell on the brokenness and sin that put her in our family. I should be praising God for entrusting us with these wonderful little people.

I cannot change what brought my children into our family. I cannot fix the years of hurt. I cannot slip into apathy. Daily, with a thankful heart, I must choose to be a vigilant parent. Keeping my eyes on the One who choose us as their parents. Ever trusting Him to provide us with the wisdom needed.


"God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains..."
Ps 68:6

8 comments:

beBOLDjen said...

I started typing but realized I Not much to say (that would translate well in written format) So I just say it's HARD!

...God be glorified.

Karen said...

Apryl - my eyes are filled with tears at what you have written. It's so raw and true and as an adoptive mom I understand it so completely. love you - Karen Wistrom www.family-from-afar.blogspot.com

KLT said...

I'm sorry, Apryl. I know that monster, too. He's very closely related to a certain theif who comes to steal, kill, and destroy. And he's not easily overcome by some 1-2-3 formula. But I do know an overcomer. Keep turning to Him as your lifeline and your hope.

Prayers today,
Kristy

Rob and Candy said...

Apryl, I think that monster lives under our house just waiting for the right time to pounce. I can relate. The words, "I wish I had another mother." ring through our house.....
love you
candy

ethiHOPEia said...

Keeping my eyes on the One who choose us as their parents...wow! I have to do that all the time too. Yet how many times do I feel JUST like you and I don't keep my eyes on the One...
Thank you for sharing. I feel your pain as well.
With love,
Hilary

Anonymous said...

It's a spur of the moment thing that kids sometimes say when things seem "more fun" with someone else. I've heard biological kids, including mine, say similar stuff which they forget about right away. Don't take it to heart. You are her Mom and she knows and loves that.

alisa said...

Though Micah was an infant when we brought him, I still dread those words...which I have no doubt will come. All the more reason to be on my knees for him...for his salvation...so that he might understand adoption in its most beautiful and purest sense. Thank you for sending me to my knees, friend.

Tammy and Aaron said...

Hey! I love reading your blog! My husband and I plan to adopt from ET in the future but we had to put things on hold due to his job lay off. We have 4 kids but Gods plan is for us to have more:). I put our adoption blog on hold but started our family blog so follow us too. I already have the Ashes to A book and a few others you mentioned so no need to add me to the drawing but I look forward to other ones!! Tammy